All Things Teen

As a sophomore dealing with some significant pain, which I had grown skilled at masking, Carolyn Owens providentially entered my life.  In the late eighties, as an educator teaching an elective course, Ms. Owens was on campus at my high school several times a week.  Interestingly, I wasn’t even her student.  However, her spirit was radiant and I was drawn to the peace I felt each time I spoke with her.  Our casual “hallway chats” soon turned to “drop-ins” after school.  Those “drop-ins” became a life line for me throughout those tenuous years.  Given her tenderness, patience, and wisdom, she never “pried” violently into the pain behind my glassy smile.  However, I feel certain she knew far more than I ever revealed.  Ultimately, she journeyed beside me throughout both my high school and college career, even assisting me in seeking resources to attend and remain at a private college.  In my college box of memorabilia, I still have letters sent from either Ms. Owens or anonymous writers she engaged to encourage me on my journey.  Several years after college, one of my poignant memories is of leaving a school (after teaching our Think On Point Program) and seeing her little car parked outside of the school.  Returning inside to find her, I remember thinking “It’s my turn now.”  It is my hope that each of us who Carolyn Owens mentored, and I know there are many, are sprinkled throughout the world building into the lives of others….oh, the power of her ONE faithful life.

In a recent middle school Life On Point group, questions were posed, by the facilitators, in an effort to identify group members’ individual preferences.  If in agreement, members were to walk to the opposite side of the room.    Not surprising, the group members hesitated, watched to see the direction of their peers, and then, all moved to the same side of the room, despite being asked their personal preferences.

Given that this was an activity occurring in the beginning weeks of our Life On Point groups, I am less concerned for the participants. I know the group leaders will both address and give opportunity to practice resistance skills and self discovery.  In fact, Life On Point has proven success with strong outcomes addressing peer pressure and making healthy choices.  However, I am concerned for the myriad of youth floundering in a sea of choices, watching their peers’ actions, and following the status quo.  Even more disturbing are the number of adults who make choices based on what social psychologists call “group think.”  The Holocaust is just one revolting example of adults acting upon “group think” with horrific violence.  There are many modern day examples to include our city’s own gang leaders (at one end of the spectrum) to the numerous television episodes with adults compromising their stated values when pressure is exerted.

Adults, youth need you.  Parents, youth are crying out for direction.  Our actions will always speak louder to them than our words.  If they see and hear us break commitments, use language with friends we wouldn’t normally use, post surprising comments, or ask them to lie for us to the telemarketer, how can we then lecture them on dependability, respectfulness, or honesty?  While these may seem like subtle compromises, young people are watching to see if our actions match what we teach them.  The pressure they face daily is unimaginable to the average adult.  They need us to lead them by example.  Doing so is a critical ingredient to producing resilient, tenacious young people who forsake following the status quo to live out their values and lead our culture.

As I stepped into Sequoyah on September 28th, many memories flooded my mind.  Fourteen years previous, the same dedicated teacher who greeted me that day, Mrs. Kristi Morgan, had pleaded with On Point to begin groups for her students.  Her heart was to have on-going support for students, thus enabling them to further apply the principles they learned through our Think On Point Program.  With her invitation, the journey of creating Life On Point ensued.  This adventure enabled me to journey beside Sequoyah students weekly as I charted our group topics, activities, and discussions.  Foundational to each group was following the needs of the members while carefully choosing topics, activities, and discussions which addressed those needs.

Three short years later, Life On Point was further developed as we expanded to six local schools and again, to 16 schools.

Today, Life On Point is being utilized by schools, community centers, and houses of worship, nationally and internationally.  It has been rigorously evaluated and is an evidence-based program with strong outcomes.  The heart for the program has never waivered:  the curriculum is simply a vehicle for building healthy relationships with youth as they build Self-Discovery, Vision for the Future, Making Healthy Choices, Positive Support, and Leadership for Service.  Excitedly, in a 2011-2012 RCT study, Life On Point participants had a 35% increase in their positive attitudes and intentions about abstaining from sex, substance use, and violence.  During the same period of time, non-participants in the study declined by six percentile points in their reported attitudes and intentions about the same behaviors.

While the numbers reveal strong program success, the TRUE success of Life On Point is evident in the eyes and words of group members across our city, as well as in my group members at Sequoyah, as they say, “We’ve been waiting for group to start this year.  So glad you’re back!”  These young people are my heroes….truly.  They dare to dream and overcome unimaginable odds while still expressing gratitude.  I am thankful that the youth we have the privilege of journeying beside in Life On Point will be leaders of our community, state, and nation in years to come!   As I greet Mrs. Morgan and the students, I say, “I’m so glad to be back this year!  Thank you!”

As the light streamed into Starbucks, Tyra’s countenance radiated as she shared with me the freedom from addiction she had experienced. Ironically, that same week, I received a call from Michelle who had outwardly overcome great adversity, but was now facing possible incarceration. What happened and how did the trajectory so dramatically change for each? While the answer to these questions is complex, current research is supporting many of our former theories.

In a recent study, Seery and colleagues found that while people who had experienced many traumatic life events were more distressed in general, people who had experienced no negative life events had similar problems as their traumatized counterparts when painful events occurred. The people with the best outcomes were those who had experienced some negative events. Seery writes, “The idea is that negative life experiences can toughen people, making them better able to manage subsequent difficulties….people who get through bad events may have tested out their social network, learning how to get help when they need it” (Seery, M.D., Leo, R.J., Holman, E. A., and Silver, R. C. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 99(6), Dec. 2010, 1025-1041).

The implications of this research are enormous, particularly for us as parents. While we ache when our children ache, it is imperative that our children learn how to handle adversity while they are in the safety of our homes and with our nurturing support. I’ve talked to many parents who are crying out for tangible strategies to ensure their children weather the storms and thrive. Here are some suggestions:

(1)Spend time with your teen in mutually enjoyable activities. One of our favorite activities with teens in our Life groups is to create a Self Portrait Board. On the board, we answer the following questions with words and pictures: (1) Who Am I (2) Where Am I Going (3) What’s my Purpose (4) Why Am I Here? We have found that creating our own self portraits alongside the youth in our group opens up many conversations that would never have occurred without a centering activity.

(2)Serve others and build assets daily! Much research exists which links learning while serving to overall success and improved self-respect. Visit www.search-institute.org to learn more about the power of service learning and the importance of building developmental assets into your child’s life

(3)Model self-care, forgiveness, and boundaries. The most powerful voice in the life of your child is not your words, but your actions. Forgiveness coupled with appropriate boundaries is powerfully linked to overall physical and emotional health. Seek help from a therapist for both yourself and your child as needed.

(4)Teach the 100% rule: “I am 100% responsible for what I think, feel, do, and say.”

(5)Encourage and model any of the following in dealing with pain, anger, or stress: Praying, Crying, Meditating, Journaling, Exercising, and Artistic Expressions.

(6)Allow shared silent times as you talk through pain. As parents, we want to “fix” it, but your child is building his or her emotional muscles as they learn to work through their grief and pain. Never underestimate the power of your silence, touch, and compassion as you show them you believe they have the strength to overcome.